Funny Jokes - Textintouch

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1.- If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…... If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
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2.- (_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_... (_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
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3.- A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slide... A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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4.- A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food an... A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
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5.- A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food a... A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here". A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
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6.- A dyslexic man walks into a bra... A dyslexic man walks into a bra
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7.- A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm a... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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8.- A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman sa... A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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9.- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't... A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
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10.- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife c... A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
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11.- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He s... A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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12.- A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barma... A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
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13.- Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.... Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
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14.- ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.... ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
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SMS Message posted by Admin

15.- All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!... All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
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16.- Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his... Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
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SMS Message posted by Admin

17.- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing... As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
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18.- Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.... Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
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19.- Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back... Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
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SMS Message posted by Admin

20.- Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves ... Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
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21.- CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down ... CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
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22.- Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with so... Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
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23.- Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked ... Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
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24.- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's No... Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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25.- Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He... Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
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26.- Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only ... Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
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27.- Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?... Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
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28.- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle an... Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
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29.- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going sl... Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
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SMS Message posted by Admin

30.- Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvat... Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
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31.- Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvat... Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
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32.- Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!... Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
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33.- For sale : Air Bags, Used once.... For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
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34.- For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.... For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
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35.- Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! W... Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
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36.- friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but... friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
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37.- God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one... God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
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38.- He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when d... He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
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39.- Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis..... Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
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40.- Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can... Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
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41.- How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his he... How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
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42.- How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silen... How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silence is golden. Neither can balance a checkbook. Both put too much value on kissing.
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43.- How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To s... How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
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44.- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.... I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
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45.- I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.... I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
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46.- I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned h... I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
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47.- I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tue... I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
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48.- I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I woul... I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
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49.- I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill i... I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
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50.- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.... I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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51.- I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all ove... I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
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52.- I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all o... I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
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53.- I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?... I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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54.- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.... I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
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55.- I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST.... I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
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56.- I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of bod... I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
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57.- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.... I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
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58.- If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have o... If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
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59.- If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?... If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
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60.- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met eve... If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
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61.- It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy ... It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
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62.- It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts... It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
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63.- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…... Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
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64.- Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!... Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
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65.- Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT ou... Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
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66.- Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorb... Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
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67.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you.... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you.
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68.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to ... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
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69.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way y... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.
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70.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's ther... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aunt you glad Grandma's gone? Knock! Knock! Who's there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
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71.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, B... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.
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72.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and le... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!
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73.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock.
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74.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand fr... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
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75.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in,... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Lettuce. Lettuce who? Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
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76.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. Madam who? Madam key broke... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Madam. Madam who? Madam key broke in the lock.
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77.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. Mister who? Mister last b... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mister. Mister who? Mister last bus home.
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78.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Mummy who? Mummeasles are ... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Mummy. Mummy who? Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
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79.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive across th... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Olive. Olive who? Olive across the road.
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80.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you gl... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I called by?
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81.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. York who? York coming over ... Knock! Knock! Who's there? York. York who? York coming over to my place tonight?
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82.- Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!... Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
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83.- Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a weddi... Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
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84.- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your... Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
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85.- Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.... Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
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86.- My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love ... My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
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87.- My Reality Check bounced.... My Reality Check bounced.
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88.- Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on ... Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
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89.- News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching... News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
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90.- News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching... News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
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91.- Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad chec... Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
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92.- Q: How did the Pollack burn his face? A: Bobbing for french ... Q: How did the Pollack burn his face? A: Bobbing for french fries.
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93.- Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We ... Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? A: We don't know. Never happens.
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94.- Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run ... Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
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95.- Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A... Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An f****ing know it all.
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96.- Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A... Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore? A: An fucking know it all.
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97.- Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?... Q: What does a blonde owl say? A: What, what?
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98.- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A: H... Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease? A: Her IQ goes up.
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99.- Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: He... Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up.
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100.- Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? ... Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO? A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
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101.- Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? A: O... Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag? A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.
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102.- Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia? A: One ha... Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia? A: One has a real live culture.
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103.- Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take hi... Q: Why was the leper caught speeding? A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
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104.- Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:... Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A:About 45 pounds!!
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105.- Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SU... Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
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106.- T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down o... T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
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107.- The longest sentence known to man: "I do."... The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
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108.- The probability of someone watching you is proportional to t... The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
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109.- Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And ... Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
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110.- There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.... There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
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111.- There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boy... There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
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112.- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog... This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
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113.- Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon i... Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
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114.- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they li... Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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115.- Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you k... Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
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116.- Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.... Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
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117.- Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection... Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
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118.- We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....... We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
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119.- What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Ho... What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
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120.- What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Ho... What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home! What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
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121.- What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...... What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
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122.- What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breat... What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that thing?
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123.- What do Germans use for birth control? Their personalities!... What do Germans use for birth control? Their personalities!
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124.- What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World... What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet? The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
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125.- What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.... What do you call a handcuffed man? - Trustworthy.
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126.- What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracl... What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
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127.- What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German? A ma... What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German? A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
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128.- What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who kno... What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
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129.- What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you... What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? You don't, you've told her twice already!
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130.- What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat... What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? Popeye beat the crap outta him.
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131.- What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets... What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a positive side!
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132.- What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About ... What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women.
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133.- What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran... What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
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134.- What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in ... What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
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135.- What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty ... What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle? If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
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136.- What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned ... What's the difference between a man and E.T.? - E.T. phoned home.
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137.- What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina C... What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors
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138.- What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina C... What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie? One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
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139.- What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint depart... What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
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140.- Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a... Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
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141.- When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. W... When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
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142.- Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!... Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
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143.- Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking ... Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? He was looking for Pooh!
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144.- Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.... Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
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145.- Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his h... Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
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146.- Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they... Why don't men often show their true feelings? - Because they don't have any. 1
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147.- Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a... Why were males created before females? Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
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148.- WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-... WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
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149.- You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through pean... You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
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