Funny Jokes - Textintouch

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SMS Message posted by Admin

1.- (_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_... (_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
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2.- A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slide... A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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3.- A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food an... A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
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4.- A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food a... A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here". A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
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5.- A dyslexic man walks into a bra... A dyslexic man walks into a bra
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6.- A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm a... A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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SMS Message posted by Admin

7.- A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman sa... A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
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8.- A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't... A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
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9.- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife c... A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
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10.- A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He s... A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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11.- A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barma... A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
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12.- Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.... Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
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13.- ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.... ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
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14.- All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!... All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
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15.- Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his... Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
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16.- As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing... As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
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17.- Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.... Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
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18.- Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back... Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
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19.- Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves ... Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock. Employee: Who's there? Boss: Not you anymore.
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20.- CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down ... CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
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21.- Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with so... Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
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22.- Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked ... Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
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23.- Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's No... Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
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24.- Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He... Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
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25.- Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only ... Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores? "101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
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26.- Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?... Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
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27.- Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle an... Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
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28.- Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going sl... Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
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29.- Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvat... Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
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30.- Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvat... Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
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31.- Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!... Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
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32.- For sale : Air Bags, Used once.... For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
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33.- For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.... For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
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34.- Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! W... Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
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35.- friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but... friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
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36.- God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one... God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
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37.- He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when d... He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
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38.- Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis..... Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
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39.- Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can... Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
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40.- How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his he... How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
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41.- How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silen... How Dogs and Women are alike..... Neither believe that silence is golden. Neither can balance a checkbook. Both put too much value on kissing.
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42.- How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To s... How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
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43.- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.... I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
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44.- I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.... I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
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45.- I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned h... I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
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46.- I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tue... I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
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47.- I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I woul... I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
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48.- I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill i... I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
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49.- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.... I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
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50.- I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all ove... I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
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51.- I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all o... I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
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52.- I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?... I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
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53.- I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.... I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
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54.- I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST.... I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
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55.- I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of bod... I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
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56.- I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.... I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
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57.- If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have o... If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
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58.- If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?... If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
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59.- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met eve... If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
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60.- If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…... If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
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61.- It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy ... It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
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62.- It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts... It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
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63.- Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…... Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
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64.- Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!... Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
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65.- Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT ou... Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
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66.- Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorb... Knock! Knock! Who's There? A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
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67.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you.... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Atch. Atch who? Bless you.
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68.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to ... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
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69.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way y... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Fanny. Fanny who? Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.
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70.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's ther... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Grandma. Knock! Knock! Who's there? Aunt. Aunt who? Aunt you glad Grandma's gone? Knock! Knock! Who's there? Doris. Doris who? Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
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71.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, B... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry, Butch, and Jimmy. Harry, Butch and Jimmy who? Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.
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72.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and le... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up and let me in!
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73.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Isabel. Isabel who? Isabel broken? I had to knock.
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74.- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand fr... Knock! Knock! Who's there? Ivor. Ivor who? Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
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